diary pages #1
this is the first installment of a new series i have been working on. in lieu of a regular blog post, i will be transcribing pages from diaries - past and present.
maïa isabelle brunel real life diary #7
february 14th marked the end of saturn’s three year transit through pisces, huge for karmic lessons. as a scorpio rising, this has especially concerned my (intertwined) romantic and creative. here are some of my written reflections and confessions.
february 10th - ish 2026
3 year cycle
Love life?
(started 2023)
Feb 2023,
Confusing brief romance w/
[redacted]
we were only just meant
to be friends
Hook up with [redacted]. It
was awesome.
[Redacted]
[Redacted] and I didn’t communicate
well and were not on the
Same page. I was in the throws
Of weening off my zoloft (mistake).
I was not in the place for a
Romance.
Met [redacted] at [redacted}
March 9th. [redacted]
[redacted] and I was bored!
I liked that he knew I was hot and I had the upper hand.
It was fun for a little and
the s*x was fun enough for me to
stay. But i got myself roped into
something that could not last, I
knew we wouldn't’ be together
forever. But I cared about him.
I saw parts of who I was and who
I wanted to be in him. I thought I
could fix him, I thought if I
waited long enough it would
all be worth it. I sacrificed so much
of myself, expecting it would be
returned. I begged someone to
change and that is something I
never want to put myself
through again.
I couldn’t have been who I am today
with him but I also couldn't be
who I am today without having
been with him.
I let myself hang on to the some
of the rage that is there to
protect me, to remind me what I
shouldn't tolerate for the sake of
an expectation I hadwith no
promise.
It took 11 months to end
the pattern,
but it was a hard lesson I had to learn.
I cannot make someone change
its a waste of my time
to wait for someone to change.
66
I broke up with [redacted] sometime
in March and dove into my
creative practice capping off my
last semester. I tasted a new freedom
and unleashed my genius. I got
to kiss someone again within
a week or two and I felt
awesome.
I am ready to let go of
the shame I held, judging
myself for dating someone so
unworthy of my love. Lessons
are never easy to learn.
I started seeing [redacted] early
April. It was our second (and last)
[redacted] at [redacted] & it was
his birthday. He was drunk and
so was I and I gave him
a birthday kiss in front of
everyone (and all his employees)
67
He was cute and he treated
me exponentially better than [redacted]
and I'm happy for that younger
girl who got to have a
spring fling without a bad
ending (not for me at least).
I got wined and dined and
drank for free and I get to
have the story of my age gap
affair forever.
Then his business failed and he
got cancelled on [redacted] Reddit
and I didn’t even care because
our expiration date came and I went
to Europe and I never had to see him again.
Turns out he is a little slimy, but
I'm still glad I get to have
this story.
This taught me ways I want to
be treated and things I deserve.
It also taught me that people can
be very different than what they
portray to me. Which isn’t necessarily
a problem, but something I should
keep in mind
Then I went to Europe
I kissed and Irish lad,
68
Which was awesome even though
I didn’t think he was
particularly special.
I got to have a sillly vacation
kiss that was nothing but that
This reminds me I am desirable
and I don’t need to chase attention.
In [redacted] went on a date
with [redacted]. I am proud of myself
for doing something spontaneous. She
was super shy and i
got shy and we left without a
kiss. But when I asked her
later, she said she would’ve
kissed me.
This reminds me that I am
not a predator. Some people are
just shy.
In [redacted] I also kissed [redacted]
snd me and [redacted] kissed [redacted]
it was fun and I got to
have another kiss just for the
sake of it.
In August I moved to Milwaukee. I experienced a
69
failed “talking stage” (texting)
with [redacted]. I was so dissapointed
it wasn’t easier. I was celibate
and desperate until I met
[redacted] sometime at the end of
Janauary. We matched on Hinge when I
was visiting [redacted] in [redacted]. Two-ish
weeks later, I drove down to go
on a date with them. I thought
they were hot and funny and
one again I liked knowing they
wanted me no matter what I did.
I was so uninhibited and so myself
I failed to recognize the behaviors I
loathed. Phone Addiction, chronic.
also – annoying. It felt so nice being
wanted, I willingly ignored this.
They visited me a couple weeks
later and told me they wanted to
date. It felt so good to be wanted,
I said okay yeah sure. I also
cried multiple times and felt
extremely uncomfortable the entire
time they were there.
forgot to mention the s*x was
really good (also not saying much tbh)
I told them I was recognizing
behaviors I dealt with from [redacted]
and it really worried me.
I communicated so clearly what I
wanted from the moment I said
okay. Like I literally pulled out
my list and read it to them.
70
So, I thought it would all
work because I was upfront
and knew what i wanted.
The problem was that we
wanted different things. And
I needed to be reminded of
the things i DONT want...
Like...
someone who only talks about
themselves
someone who never asks
me any questions
someone who only shows
love physically
someone who is addicted
to their phone
someone who is still actively
shronically online and
doing nothing about it
someone with no goals or ambitions
someone who doesn’t
compliment me
SO.....
The past three years
71
have taught me very
important lessons
i couldn’t know what I
know now, without those
relationships + experiences.
I was meant to experience
what I didn’t want in
order to realize I wouldn’t
want it again.
I had to wait for
someone to change in
order to realize I can’t.
I had to tell someone to change
and expect them to follow through
in order to realize I can’t change anyone.
